Dear Agnes,
I recently received a breast cancer diagnosis, and while I’m still processing the news, I’m already struggling with how to handle things at work. My job is high-pressure, and I’ve always been the one my team turns to in a crisis. I feel a sense of obligation to keep showing up as if nothing has changed, but inside, I’m overwhelmed. I haven’t told anyone at work yet because I’m afraid of being treated differently, but I also know I can’t maintain this pace while going through treatment.
I’m torn between wanting to stay strong for my team and the need to honor what my body and emotions are telling me. How do I navigate this without letting my team down? And how do I communicate what’s happening in a way that sets boundaries but doesn’t invite pity or assumptions about what I can or can’t handle? I want to be honest, but I’m not ready for the office to become another source of stress.
Thank you,
Conflicted Caretaker
Dear Conflicted Caretaker,
I’m so sorry to hear that the struggle is hard right now. I think you’ve so poignantly named the heart of your dilemma with the name you signed off with. It can be challenging to even feel the need for care and support in a crisis, let alone ask for or receive it, especially when you’ve always been the one to provide it.
When I hear people worrying about “pity” from others when they are experiencing the really hard things in life – things like serious illness, accidents, divorce, or the death of a loved one – I can’t help but hear the echo of the many people I’ve worked with over the years who’ve told me they grew up looking after their siblings (or worse yet, their parents), or who learned early on, in ways both subtle and not so subtle, that tears would not elicit comfort from a caregiver. I hear the ramifications of a lack of nurture. I hear a person who may have had to learn to be strong well before her time. I hear personality structures that helped a person adapt to her environment, but that may not be serving her well now.
If this resonates for you CC, then the psychological challenge (and, more importantly, opportunity) for you here is “Can I learn to let go of caretaking others for now, care for myself, and allow myself to receive care?” Difficult circumstances are pushing you to prioritize caring for yourself, perhaps for the first time in your life. Part of navigating this health crisis will involve allowing others to care for and support you, and this can be downright excruciating for those of us who identify as givers of care, as the strong ones. The practical challenge is “How?” In a situation like this, a good therapist, coach, or mentor can be an invaluable ally.
We live in a very odd time, CC, a time where our biology is no longer a match for the environment it evolved in. For most of human history, we worked alongside the people we loved – the people we lived with. There was no division between personal and professional. And that is essentially what the deep limbic structures in our brain, the parts that govern bonding and reward and threat management, still expect. So it may help you to reframe “pity” and “possible assumptions about what you can and cannot handle” as the very natural impulses of the tribe to care for one of their own. It may also be helpful to recognize that the stress you are anticipating won’t likely come from your coworkers, so much as it will come from repeated challenges to your self-identification as “the strong one”. This can bring it back within your locus of control. You can choose to identify yourself as the normally strong one who, for the duration of treatment, is going to be willing to ask for and welcome all the care and support your work tribe can reasonably offer. This may include not just tasks, but also the words you’d like to hear so that you feel supported and encouraged, rather than pitied. If this seems an insurmountable task, and if your circumstances allow it, another approach might be to take a medical leave of absence. That way, you may be able to deal with this inner conflict once rather than daily.
Regardless of the path you choose CC, I hope you will prioritize your deepest needs in this situation, which, I’d suggest, are the needs of your body for as little overwhelm and pressure as is possible while you are undergoing treatment, rather than the needs of your protective, performing personality. And once you feel into those needs, I hope you will express them to any and all you can reasonably expect to be receptive and supportive. In the dog-eat-dog corporate world, I think people often revert to Darwinian notions of “survival of the fittest”. But we tend to forget that the strongest, the most resilient, when it comes to mammals like us, are actually the best nurtured. May you be very well cared for in this unchosen journey, both by yourself and by those around you.
In loving support,
Agnes