Dear Agnes,
I’ve been facing a challenging situation at work that I’d appreciate your advice on. It’s about one of my colleagues. We’ll call him Joe. I’m grappling with my feelings about him and my own career.
A bit of background – Joe started at my company a few years after I did, and I took him under my wing to help him get started. Since then, I’ve noticed Joe has become way too comfortable. He frequently shows up to work late, misses project deadlines, and his work ethic is sub-par. Yet, Joe has somehow managed to climb the corporate ladder pretty quickly. He’s very much a people person and can charm his way into conversing with anybody, especially with leadership at my company. For this reason and this reason alone, it seems like they are okay with overlooking his productivity. Everyone is a fan of Joe. My boss asks him to lunch at least twice a week, and Joe is always the one out of our group that gets invited to attend industry conferences.
What’s been bothering me the most is that, as of last month, I now report to Joe. It’s tough for me to respect his leadership because I thought I would be first in line for his role when it became available, and, well, I don’t think he does a good job. I have a solid track record at the company with several accomplishments I’m proud of. I can’t help but feel animosity that Joe got promoted over me.
I get that Joe is a stellar networker, but I believe that networking should complement your actual work performance, not replace it. Lately, I’ve had strong thoughts that there might be some gender bias going on, considering my boss has never once asked me to join him for lunch or invited me to an industry conference.
I’ve been thinking about having an open and honest conversation with my boss about this situation, but I’m hesitant. I worry that it might backfire and harm my chances for promotions even further.
Agnes, is this just a case of “sometimes it’s who you know, not what you know”? Should I let it go and continue giving my best in hope that my efforts will eventually be acknowledged and rewarded? Should I be more proactive in building relationships and be super-duper friendly like Joe? I’m lost on how to move forward.
Sincerely,
Glass-Ceilinged
Dear Glass-Ceilinged,
Sometimes the answer is yes. Yes to the importance of performance, networking and social skills, and perhaps yes to all the complexities of the situation as well.
The greatest challenge for you here I think has to do with being with the world as it is, not as you think it should be. Your animosity towards Joe (and perhaps towards those who promoted him) signals the high value you place on conscientiousness in work. Your productivity and strong work ethic are wonderful strengths. However, it may also point to a deeply held desire to live in a meritocracy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this desire, and the single greatest cause of stress that I see in people is the mental struggle against life as it is unfolding. This leads us into the judging, comparing mind, which usually fuels our stress response (AKA frustration, resentment, anxiety, or in your case, animosity). Rather than focusing on the perceived injustice of the situation, you could substantially resolve your stress about it through a radical change in perspective. What if this was not an injustice that happened to you, but a situation that happened for you? It is actually a choice whether or not to dwell in animosity, GC. That is something that is happening in your own nervous system. And the least effective way I know to manage your internal emotional environment is to try to change the external environment (especially other people’s behavior). Even more so when you are single handedly hoping to undo potential gender bias and shift criteria for promoting people within your organization. I think it may prove much more helpful to you to frame this as a situation that is calling you to develop a side of yourself you may not have grown in tandem with your obvious task competence.
I share your desire to live in a meritocracy with no gender bias GC. I would also prefer that people vote based on rational reasons, but all the research suggests otherwise. People vote based on emotion. Likewise, people are often promoted based on emotion. Liking often leads to trusting more than performance does. And because the emotional circuitry in our brains involving bonding, threat detection, and reward, is so much older, deeper, and ultimately more relevant to our survival than the circuitry of the rational mind, it holds far more sway over human decision making than we might like to admit. This won’t be changing anytime soon.
I will be frank GC: You seem to hold Joe in some contempt. You see him as the inferior choice for the position, you see yourself as having been wronged by your organization choosing Joe over you, and you’re mad as hell about it. It’s possible that gender bias played a role in his promotion, but have you also considered the possibility that the soft skills “Joe” possesses – the ability to put others at ease, the friendliness, the way he inhabits his own nervous system, which, because we are social animals, will absolutely have an impact on the nervous systems of others around him, may have been a more important criteria for his current leadership position than productivity? A stressed nervous system doesn’t prime us, or the people around us, towards social engagement. It primes us towards survival level threat responses: fight, flight, freeze, or appease. I have worked with many a high achiever whose nervous system has them locked into those defensive responses, and the emotional states that accompany them. I would not want to be managed by one. How do you imagine your current state of animosity (a fight response) is impacting the people around you? How approachable does it make you? Do you habitually occupy a stressed nervous system?
I think you are right to be wary of addressing your feelings with your boss from a place of grievance. If you need to speak into it, I would suggest a more vulnerable approach. Share your disappointment at not being chosen, and ask for help identifying and developing the skills that would have made you the top candidate. Then do it, and ask for feedback about how you are doing along the way. If, after that, you still find yourself being passed over for promotion, your path will be clearer, and you will have also developed a key skill set for future you.
In loving support,
Agnes
Do you have a question for Ask Agnes? Click here to submit your anonymous question, or go to the Connect page at courageousbeing.com.