Dear Agnes,
I’ve been told I’m too “soft” as a leader. I care deeply about my team and try to create a positive, collaborative environment, but I often get feedback that I need to be more assertive and direct. Honestly, I feel like if I do that, I’ll lose the trust I’ve built. How can I balance leading with love while also being seen as a strong, confident leader who gets results?
Warmly,
Heart-First Boss
Dear Heart-First Boss,
There is so much to admire in your deep care for your team. And whenever we receive critical feedback, it’s a very good practice to look for the grain of truth, especially when we find ourselves objecting in some way.
I’m going to invite you to get curious about the fear that you’ll lose the trust of
your team. Can you get a bit more specific about that? What do you imagine they trust you to do now? And, perhaps more importantly, what might they not trust you to do?
From what I can gather from your letter, it sounds like they trust you to keep the workplace positive, and to keep things collaborative. On the surface of it, these are truly wonderful objectives. But I wonder if they also trust you to clearly communicate expectations? Do they trust you to tell them when their performance is falling short? Do they trust you to uphold standards? Do they trust you to shift from collaborator to leader when the moment calls for it? When I fall into fear about communicating about expectations and roles, it can help me to remember the maxim that “clear is kind.” It might be less comfortable in the moment, but it’s ultimately kinder to everyone involved.
Forgive me for the analogy, because it’s not at all my intention to compare your team to children, but effective leadership and good parenting are actually similar in many ways. Good parents are both warm and demanding. In addition to providing a supportive emotional environment, they communicate expectations clearly, uphold them, and are willing to frustrate their children with limits on a fairly regular basis. In other words: boundaries. It sounds to me like as a leader, you have the warmth part down pat, but may be a bit more challenged in the limits/expectations department.
If, in the worst case scenario, your team has actually learned to trust you to avoid conflict for fear of losing their approval, you may have an uncomfortable learning opportunity on your hands. To become a more effective leader, you’re likely going to have to learn to do what’s completely anathema to you: risk saying things people won’t like in the moment, and thus risk their displeasure with you personally.
If the mere thought of this has you feeling a bit queasy, I’m probably on the right track. And the queasier you feel, the more important it will be for you to get support in this process. You’ll essentially be busting up a long-standing pattern of people-pleasing, and that’s far easier to do when you have at least one person in your court who will still approve of what you’re doing. It’s also easier to do when you have an opportunity to practice and receive feedback in a low-risk environment. Have you been offered any assertiveness training along with the feedback you were given? If not, I’d suggest you pursue that.
In loving support,
Agnes