Dear Agnes,
I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately. “In a funk” isn’t the best way to describe it. It feels more like I’m in a deep, dark hole with no means of pulling myself out.
Part of it might be my boring, monotonous daily schedule – I wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, prep for the next day, sleep, repeat. But somewhere along the way, I’ve gone from being full of life, tons of energy, and quick on my feet, to, now, dealing with constant foggy-headedness (is headedness even a word? lol) and stuck in these weird, gloomy moods. It’s like I’m just going through the motions, and my passion for my career has pretty much fizzled out. I’m delivering mediocre work, the bare minimum even, and that’s never been my style.
But it’s not just work, my personal life is suffering too. I used to love going to my local park after work to walk or to play some basketball with the fam, but I don’t even want to do that anymore. I’ve been turning down invites from friends (and I adore my friends). I’m ignoring calls from my parents. And when it comes to self-care – what is that? I’ve fallen wayyy off the wagon. I don’t dress up anymore or care about how I look.
I gave meditation a shot, thinking it would help pull myself together, but when I close my eyes to do it, it’s like staring into an empty void – I see nothing, and I can’t connect with my feelings or thoughts. What’s strange is that nothing drastic has happened in my life that could explain all of this. No major life events, no bad news, everything seems to be going ay-okay from the outside looking in. Yet, my mojo, my zest for life I once had, has seemingly just up and left.
Agnes, have you ever experienced something like this, where life just feels off without any clear reason? Because I can’t put my finger on it, I feel stupid seeking professional help. I wish there was a way I could snap out of it and return back to my old self. Hoping it’s just a phase and this too shall pass.
Down, Out and Nonchalant
Dear Down, Out, and Nonchalant,
Congratulations are in order! You have outgrown the life you have built, and are in the void, that if given it’s due will usher in a new creative phase in your life. Now congratulations on this profound state of blah you’re experiencing may sound very strange coming from a psychologist. You may have been expecting to hear me suggest that you go get yourself checked out for depression, because lack of motivation is a classic symptom of depression. And my psychologist self says if you are also experiencing other symptoms of depression, like sleep disturbances, appetite changes, thoughts of suicide, or extremely self critical thoughts, then by all means, seek help. But it sounds to my wise older woman self like this is more a case of life having unexpectedly become dry as it calls you to grow.
You ask if I have experienced something like this, and indeed I have. Once it was a period of a few months of profound flatness. That happened as I was moving out of a period of chronic stress, where I had been running on adrenaline for many years. I think this is what happens to many young women as they’re in the “finishing my studies and establishing my career” phase of life. It certainly did for me. Coming down off of that adrenalized state can feel like depression, when it is really a kind of exhaustion, and an essential recalibration. Sometimes the body just needs to sit and do nothing for a while. The wisest counsel I received in that time was to let myself fully experience what was happening. To really sit in the emptiness of that hole. To feel the flatness of life without the urgency that had been driving me, and which I had mistaken for aliveness, excitement, and enthusiasm – for zest for life and mojo, if you will.
The very worst thing one can do in this state is to judge it as problematic. I’d invite you to see yourself as a chrysalis for this season. You’re in a cocoon where it seems like nothing is happening, and you can’t connect with feelings or thoughts because you’re outgrowing them. They belong to the pupa, not the butterfly who will emerge. It’s time to go very internal. Sense the emptiness, sit with it, befriend it. Meditate and feel into that nothingness, knowing that there is something precious for you in allowing yourself to fully inhabit this new state. Practice yin yoga if you are so inclined. Regardless, breathe slowly and deeply, let yourself luxuriate in the emptiness, and whatever you do, don’t push yourself to bust out of the cocoon prematurely! When the transformation is complete, you will feel a true urge to move out into the world again.
If you honor the void, a place our externally oriented hustle culture generally abhors, and completely misunderstands, you will come out the other side a changed person. You will not be operating from “shoulds”, and the expectations of society, but from the calls of a deeper, more authentic self. It may help you to consider that what feels like emptiness and nothingness is actually a blank canvas, from which an infinite number of paintings could emerge. The void, if we have the courage to sit with it, invites us to let go of pushing the river, of making things happen, and to align ourselves with what wants to emerge organically from deep within us. Congratulations!
In loving support,
Agnes