I am sitting on a warm Croatian rock, my little brother leaning against me, shoulder to shoulder, each of us with a simple homemade sandwich in hand. Mom and Dad are close by. We’re all gazing at the sunset.
It’s a late summer day on the Mediterranean coast of Istria. After a full day of swimming, sunning, reading, and exploring, I am soaking in the last light of an ‘80s summer vacation, where stillness and exuberance easily coexist. The cell phone pandemic is a decade or so away.
I didn’t have the language for it as a child, but I was learning something profound on that rock. Gazing at the sunset with my family, I didn’t know what meditation was, or mindfulness, or nervous system regulation.
But I was doing it.
We were doing it.
Being it.
The breath breathed itself.
***
On that rock, I am present. Thoughts are quiet. I am inside the body.
I fully experience the way the air feels on my skin, the scent of pine and saltwater, the hush and hum of waves meeting the stony shore, the delicious bread and cheese. Simple and powerful.
A pang of sadness rises as the sun dips below the horizon. I love nighttime, but I wish I could soak in the blazing orange light forever because it relaxes me to the bones.
The sun disappears, and sends a visceral reminder that everything moves, everything is cyclical, everything changes.
***
I know cognitively that “the only constant is change”, but in today’s world, the sheer speed of moving uncertainty feels painful and relentless.
The volume of life transitions friends and clients are facing, and the toll of current events seems to be ever expanding. Even those of us deeply committed to calming inner work find ourselves overwhelmed, grasping for something solid.
I believe that remembering our values can help. Not to think about them as theoretical concepts, abstract ideals. But to use them as a deeply personal tool.
An anchor. An eye of the storm. A foundation that holds me steady when everything else falls into frightening flux.
***
I no longer live in Croatia. I’ve created a comfortable life in the Pacific Northwest. WhatsApp is my best friend when it comes to connecting with family of origin. When my little brother calls or leaves a voice message, it still feels like he’s leaning against me, shoulder to shoulder.
He is now a father to a little girl the same age we were on those rocks, and I miss them both so badly.
Partially because of values.
***
I have three core values. Each is supported by two guiding principles.
Croatia, with her unshakable motherland rhythm, infused me with all of them.
***
Value #1: Nature
Supported by: Vitality & Gratitude
When my brother calls from across the ocean, I can hear the rhythm of nature in his voice. I am grateful for his health, wellness, and our unwavering connection. It helps me find my own rhythm, especially when I disconnect from the pulse of life.
If I spend too much time away from grass, rock, water, trees, sky,
I lose touch with my beingness.
If I spend too much time in an air-conditioned, windowless office space,
my vitality pays the price.
Without it, I have little to offer.
***
Value #2: Nurture
Supported by: Constancy & Kindness
I seek and, as best I can, offer commitment, loyalty, and love.
Commitment to relationships, friendships, meaningful work, projects I pour my heart into.
Every time my b rother and I talk, the unspoken loyalty is there. The way we still lean against each other. The way we show up for each other, separate and tethered. Steadfast. Offering each other a sense of being held, just as we were both held by Istria in childhood.
Despite everything we went through in the 1990s—the instability, the heartbreak—there was always this knowing: love prevails. Love endures.
***
Value #3: Nirvana
Supported by: Truth & Beauty
Nirvana for me is shorthand for conscious awareness. An unquestionable understanding that there is a higher purpose to life. The ability to see that we are all at the same time unique and deeply, universally connected.
Croatia holds history and mystery of uniqueness and sameness in equal measure. From the grandeur of Pula’s Roman Arena to the sacred stillness of St. Euphemia’s Church in Rovinj, Istria is a land that refuses to be anything but itself.
And that is what it has taught me: to live with integrity, to trust that who I am is enough. To respect both my history and my mystery, and stay aligned with intuitive wisdom.
***
For me, values are lived experiences.
They are also the driving force behind every choice I’ve made.
I didn’t fully understand how pertinent they were until I paused long enough to find them, name them, and learn them.
Now I use them to align and calm down.
***
Biggest lesson:
Croatia was the first to tell me that my (other) home was elsewhere. As I gazed at those sunsets, I was witnessing the close of an Istrian day and hearing the distant call of a different sea. An invitation, an encouragement that I could cross the ocean, chase a different sunset, expand the family.
And that no matter how far I traveled, my brother would still be there, available for our connection. An unwavering presence, just like the land that raised us.